Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.