Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Meanwhile in Canada…
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Y’all ready for this
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”