This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”