I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You Might Also Like
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
😂💯
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house