Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?


My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.


I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me


It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.


I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.


I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.


[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too


If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?


Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.


(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*