Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Worst bar ever.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Current mood: Potato
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably