Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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Still cracks me up
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Aaaa…CHOO!
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.