Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
True
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one