Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.