Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
She: I like Cats
He:
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes