“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
#Caturday
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cha-ching is my safe word