Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.


I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.


How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*


I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.


*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’


Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!


Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir


I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


OK, so I kinda panicked during my job interview and said that I’m the guy that invented whales and now I need you guys to back me up on this