The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Two types of dogs.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks