@iAmDelFreaky
This is embarrassing.
I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.
He’s watching me tweet this.
I’m fired.
@lawrence_bear
Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
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@iAmDelFreaky
@briancthayer
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
@Love_bug1016
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
@rcromwell4
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
@Marlebean
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
@Social_Mime
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
@KeetPotato
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
@Bob_Janke
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
@AngryBlackLady
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
@TraitorousFinn
*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*
Hey Finn I bet you shop at
*dramatic pause*
Traitor Joes!!!
*High fives Hux*