This is embarrassing.
I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.
He’s watching me tweet this.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*
Hey Finn I bet you shop at
*High fives Hux*