dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Guantanamo Bae
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.