@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”

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@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@Home_Halfway

BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired

@tiffstevenson

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

@bombsydoll

“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

@freypalm

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@ShadyLadyHH

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”