Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”

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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand


BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired


Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH


[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second


“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*


“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert


When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.


If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz


My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”