Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]