Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

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*gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”


I’ll dance with everyone watching.

I don’t like an audience, but I want someone around to call an ambulance when I fall.


Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”


If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.


Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.


i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire


Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?


if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run