@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

You Might Also Like

@PetrickSara

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

@ginzyj1983

People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

@TheToxicWaster

My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

@Travis_Lemire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.