Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

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My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper


People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard


This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.


My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..


I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.


Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.


Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*


When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.


[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.