*gets ponytail caught in elevator door
*hands phone to stranger
“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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I’ll dance with everyone watching.
I don’t like an audience, but I want someone around to call an ambulance when I fall.
Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run