@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

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@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@ElCorf

“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”

@rzarosco

MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray

DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@isabelzawtun

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@kirstenmorry

Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!

@notacroc

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*