Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done