Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…
Sitting on my face…”
MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray
DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*