Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*