@AngrEdmontonian

Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.

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@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

@JPLFR80

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

@Chhapiness

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

@TheNYAMProject

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@JustDontBugMe

[Getting married]

Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.

@MaryJustice86

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

@Jandalize

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.