Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.

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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen


My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”


I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together


the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants


Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me


My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?


Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL


[Getting married]

Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.


My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.


Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.