Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.