me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.