Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?