Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*