Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.