I have some popcorn in my teeth. You guys just go on without me.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
You Might Also Like
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt