@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

You Might Also Like

@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@PFitzpa

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@abbycohenwl

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@SufficientCharm

What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?

I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?

@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?