Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…