What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?
I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?