*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Ok, WTF is this?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.