@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

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@InternetHippo

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

@StellaRtwot

Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies and now my brother says I can’t be the God Mother.

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

@MNateShyamalan

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

@matt___nelson

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

@StrawburyDelite

Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@DaHess1

You say drug dealer.

I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.