@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

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@snatch_stache

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

@divamonroe2uhoe

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

@timdonakowski

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

@tracietom

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@MattMcC1

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios