Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog