Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that