God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me trying to reach for my goals
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My patience has stretch marks.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*