Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.

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If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.


[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]


To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?


Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!


Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
Me: Thx


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils


The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.