@pippydrydocking
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.
@sickipediabot
Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.
Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
You Might Also Like
@pippydrydocking
@CornOnTheGoblin
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
@AsgardianRose
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
@Peauxtassium
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
@sixfootcandy
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
@lisasopinions
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
@simoncholland
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
@rickygervais
It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils
@robdelaney
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
@junejuly12
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.