You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.
Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]