@sickipediabot

Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.

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@inmybox07

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@alexlumaga

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

@KKAlThani

Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

@InternetHippo

[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Pterodactyls