@sickipediabot

Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.

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@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

@lisasopinions

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@junejuly12

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.