Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.

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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”


Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.


I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.


Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.


Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.



I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her


Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.


In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.


god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity


If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.