@Mmelulu

Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.

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@Flykins

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.

6yo: WOOOOW

@Phoebetate

I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her

@mishakey

Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.

@RealSugarFree

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.

@Skoog

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.