I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
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When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Important reminders
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters