throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.