me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You Might Also Like
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
There are usually two types of merchants.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?