held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Jogging
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?