Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.