Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?
Witness: that looks nothing like him
Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.