@just1fool

Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.

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@ModelWithACause

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@RidiculousSheri

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

@sonictyrant

Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@beefman138

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@GodfreyElfwick

Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.