Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Important reminders
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?