@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

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@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

@Storminika

Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’

@AmishPornStar1

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

@nash_official

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

@MomOfTeen

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

@tracietom

My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.

@karanbirtinna

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
what
“Gotta hear both sides”

@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.