@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

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@theflipgod

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@bridger_w

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

@SteveKoehler22

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

@Torgo_phylum

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@davideastUK

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.