Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

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What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…


‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.


If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency


Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.


[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team


If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies


“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.