Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets