@Tbone7219

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

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@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

@chuuew

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.