Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[In a chair]