@nachosarah

apparently this year was written by stephen king

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@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

@davidkenny100

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Later
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

@AndLookPretty

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@AnniemuMary

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’