apparently this year was written by stephen king

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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins


Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.


Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.


I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.


Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.


Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4


14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’