My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The smoothest fall of all time
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.