Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

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*watching a scary movie*

7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?

*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”


Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*


I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.


doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password


It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle


AXE MURDERER: Sweet Caroline

ME, HIDING IN CUPBOARD: Bom, bom bommm


When you say you don’t feel good

“Are you pregnant?” -people without kids
“Do you have to poop?” -people with kids


i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot


I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

Fat. I’m getting fat.