*watching a scary movie*
7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?
*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
AXE MURDERER: Sweet Caroline
ME, HIDING IN CUPBOARD: Bom, bom bommm
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
When you say you don’t feel good
“Are you pregnant?” -people without kids
“Do you have to poop?” -people with kids
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I know what I’m getting for Christmas.
Fat. I’m getting fat.