Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30