accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
opening twitter today
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Where is your GOD now????
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Dolls on drugs
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.