I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
sliding into dms like
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.