I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
You Might Also Like
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop