Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour