@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

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@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

@JanuaryJames

I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@MableGertrude

Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@Donna_McCoy

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

@junejuly12

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

@gitson_shiggles

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste