@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

- @CraigChamberlin

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@Mr_Kapowski

[gym]

Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill

@cogentanalysis

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

@julietactually

him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing

@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@TheWidowmakerX

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@RtrJan

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”