Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator