Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.


I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.


Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.


Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.


I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha


It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.



*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….


Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?


Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste