Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
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Love it! 👍😂
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
is this how new cars are made??
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Running from your problems is cardio .
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,