Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Mission: Impossible
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I know karate and tons of other words.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*