Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm