As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?
Wife: Please go wait in the car
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.