Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
LOL
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.