Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
🤭😂
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.